Jokes for Valentine's Day

The real meaning behind the descriptions in personal ads:


Ads placed by Women:

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down a bad reputation
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

 

Ads placed by Men:

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

 

SBF Seeks Male companionship.

I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck,
hunting, camping and fishing trips.
Cosy winter nights spent lying by the fire,
candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work.
Kiss me and I'm yours.
I'm a sevelt good looking girl who loves to play.
Call 123-4567 and ask for Daisy
I'm a eight week old black Labrador Retriever ($350).

Kids views on Love, Romance and Relationships:

 

How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in Love?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- Bobby, age 9

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold... Other people care more about the food." -- Bart, age  9

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." --Sarah, age 9

"See if the man has lipstick on his face." -- Sandra, age 7

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." -- Christine, age 9

 

Titles of the love ballads you can sing to your beloved

"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" -- Arnold, age 10

"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8

"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6

"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9

"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7

"'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

 

What most people are thinking when they say "I Love You"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." -- Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." -- Dick, age 7

Concerning the origins of love

"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'." -- Julio, age 9

"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods." -- Robbie, age 8

 

Concerning why love happens between two particular people

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8

 

On what falling in love is like

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

On the role of beauty and handsomeness in love

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9

 

How do people in love typically behave?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8

 

Concerning why lovers often hold hands

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9

Confidential opinions about love

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." -- Jill, age 6

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." -- Carey, age 7

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

 

The personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover

"Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8

 

Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9

The Valentine's Day Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.
As they had not been dating very long, it was very difficult decision.
After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.
The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.
The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,
Cuddle Bear

p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.